Hello world!
Greetings to all who traveled here. I really don’t know where to begin. I guess I should begin at the beginning. I am a 33 year old woman who has been dealing with issues involving childhood sexual, physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. I struggle with PTSD and Bipolar Disorder. Life has been tough lately. Through medication changes and mood changes I feel like I am on some sick rollercoaster ride.
Did I mention that my life-partner also has PTSD. Oh yeah buddy! Her PTSD came from a lightning strike and electrical explosion on her job that happened over two years ago. I am an old hand in dealing with PTSD, but she is somewhat of a newbie. It is hard for both of us to deal with the after effects of the lightning strike and explosion. I have my problems. She has her problems. Combine my problems with her problems and you get (pardon the expression) one explosive situation.
I sometimes feel alone in dealing with my PTSD. I sometimes feel like no one else really understands what it is like to have both PTSD and Bipolar Disorder. Sometimes it is a living hell. I am not going to lie. Through therapy I have learned to cope with some of my symptoms of both the PTSD and Bipolar Disorder, but it has not been easy. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone…not even my worst enemy.
My illnesses prevent me from maintaining employment. It isn’t that I don’t want to work. I do. I just can’t seem to stay symptom free long enough to maintain or keep gainful employment. SO, I spend my days doing chores, caring for the animals (my two dogs) and try to care for my life partner who struggles with anxiety issues and PTSD herself.
I admit I feel alone in all of this. Maybe it was just me, but I feel as if a bomb has went off in my life and I am left with only pieces of my former life. The past two years has been hell. Waiting for my partner to get her disability is a hellish nightmare. Not knowing from month to month how we are going to make it financially is absolutely torture. I think dealing with the government system of disability is a hellish existence that leaves one to wonder is the disability system causing even more harm than good. I am not sure what that answer is.
Anyway, I don’t want to sound like I am whining. It has been tough…bottom line. There times when I just wish I could close my eyes and be cured of the PTSD and the Bipolar Disorder and that my life could be somewhat “normal”, but alas, that is only a dream. I accept that I have those illnesses. I accept that my life has been altered do past traumas. I accept that the person that I love has issues involving PTSD, but I will NOT accept the effect of PTSD has on my relationship. For the past two years have not been easy on either one of us, but especially me. I have a hard enough time coping with my issues without having to cope with someone else’s issues too. I know that is what love is. I do love my partner. I do want to be there for her when she needs me. I do what is necessary to keep our household going, but there are times when I wished she was the same person she used to be. Now, she is frightened and startled easy. Emotionally she is a wreck. It is wearing my nerves (which weren’t much in the first place) thin and the truth is I feel awful for feeling that way towards her. A large part of me understands the fear and rage that goes with PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but there is another part that is angry that such a life alterning event (believe it or not, but being in a lightning strike is a life altering event) had to happen to us in our life.
I have communicated my feelings to my partner, but she is so sensitive that she takes them personally. SO, I just remain quiet about it until a major blow up happens between me and her. Since her accident our fighting has gotten worse ten fold. I feel terrible about fighting with her, but at the same time with so much going on it is kind of hard to just “grin and bare it”.
Is there anyone else out there dealing with PTSD in themselves and their husband/wife/lover/friend? I need to know. I feel alone. I hoping this blog will generate some answers to my questions.