Feeling a Manic Tonight
Today I went to see my therapist. It was an ok visit. Nothing to complain about, nothing to cheer about. I have been going to therapy for over 15 years. To be honest, I am sick of therapy. I would like to stop going, but the nature of my PTSD and Bipolar Disorder prevent me that luxury. Plus the only way I can get to see my shrink is if I see my therapist first. So, I feel that I am stuck talking about my life for a few more years or more. I will cherish the day when I can finally tell my therapist goodbye for good. Until then I guess I must be patient.
Today was a weird day for me. I can’t say that it was a good day or a bad day. I have been in a energetic mood all day which I am afraid that this is the beginning of a manic high. Don’t get me wrong…I love my manic days. On manic days I am creative and able to do tons of stuff I wouldn’t normally do when I am down. The thing is that my mania can sometimes swing out of control. That is when I get in trouble…or at least tick a few people off. I tend to stay manic for only brief blips while I am on medication, but there was a time when I would be manic for days and days at a time. Now it seems these sparks of energy only come once in a great while usually when one or more of medications stops being effective. I hope that is not the case tonight. I hope that this is just a short trip down mania lane before everything gets out of control and I am off doing things I have no business doing.
Anyway, besides feeling manic I am also a little frustrated. I am on disability. I don’t mind that so much, but there are times when I wished I had something to do that would take up all this time I spend at home. I can only clean house so much before I get bored of that. I want something meaningful in my life. I want something that helps me feel like I accomplished something. I am thinking about returning to college, but I don’t think I have the full support of my life partner.
I love my life partner, and I agree with almost everything she said to me about attending college. She pointed out how stressful it would be, how expensive it would be, and how since I am relearning to drive transportation would be a nightmare. Not to mention, that the college I want to attend is a two year technical school whose college credits don’t transfer well to other university. She feels I would be wasting my time. I tried to tell her how important it was to me to finish college, but she would not listen. She told me to do some research and then come to her and talk about a final decision. I honestly felt like she had stomped on my dreams and flattened them.
Of course, she is right about the stress. When I attended college it became so stressful that I dropped a whole bunch of classes because I couldn’t handle it all. I lost all financial aid because of that, but now I regret that move of dropping classes and wish to pull myself together and complete the degree I was aiming for. I was a fool to let stress stand in the way of my dreams. Well you live and learn.
Anyway, tonight I am feeling energetic. I need to get of the computer and expend some of this energy for other projects….
Peace, love, and light.