Sunday Afternoon
Well, I have spent the last couple of days eating crow. I think I have had my fill of it, but there is still more that has to be digested. You see I have a mean side. It only comes out when I am triggered or angry. This week I was both triggered and angry. I said somethings that should have not been said. I verbally attacked my partner over issues involving our relationship. I said somethings that were just down right mean and evil. This always seems to happen when I am triggered and earlier this week I was triggered bigtime. Now, I know that what I said was wrong and I am trying to make amends.
First let me just say that this past week has been one long ride through the darkest pits of self loathing and fear. My mother is mentally ill as well as developmentally disabled. She has a hard time reading, comprehending what she reads, and writing. Usually, I and my partner are the ones that try to take care of her business for her. We try to help her write checks, balance her checkbook, and what-not. But lately with my partner going through the slings and arrows of PTSD and I dealing with constant mood changes and audio hallucinations it has been difficult dealing with my mother’s issues. So somewhere down the line my partner and I decided that because of the constant stress we were under we would no longer take her grocery shopping or handle her mail since she knows how to shop and the store is literally a few yards from my mother’s apartment. Mom agreed to try to handle things herself for a change. I thought that finally I would not have to take care of her. I thought that finally I could be free from handling every little thing that pops up in mom’s life. I thought that she could care for herself… I thought that at last I could just live my own life.
It is difficult being around my mother. She was very neglectful and abusive towards me when I was growing up. She also allowed me to be abused by her boyfriends. I have a lot of anger and resentment about that still. I also have a unique problem regarding my mother. Whenever things don’t go her way or she is forced to do something on her own she has a “fainting” spell. She has been having these spells since I can remember. She has been taken to the doctor on each occassion only to be told that there is nothing wrong with her physically. The doctor suggested after being in the emergency room on more than five occassions that the “fainting” spells were more psychological in nature than physical. I even had one physician just plain out tell me that he believed she was faking. She always seems to come around when she recieves specail attention from an ambulance driver or doctor. But like I said, the fainting only took place when she was forced to handle something on her own or deal with something that she doesn’t want to face. It had been a few years since her last spell so I thought that maybe she was over it.
Then last week mom went to the doctor. He gave her some medications. One was a pain killer and the other was a steriod. The instructions on the pain killers were plain and simple, but the instructions on the steriods were somewhat complicated. Instead of asking the pharmacist to help her understand the scripts she went home and began to take a hand ful of pills at a time. She ended up taking 36 pills in 5 days. I didn’t know about her little medication mishap until my partner gave her a ride home and it was mentioned. When I found out I instantly got angry. I felt like mom was pulling one of her famous stunts for attention. Maybe, I am wrong, but it is hard to believe that she would take a handful of pills day after day before realizing something was wrong. My first reaction was that she did this on purpose.
That thought brought up such feelings of hostility and rage. It was like every fake out moment that she has had was coming to me all at once. I called her and told her that what she did was dangerous. She tried to brush it off like she normally does calling it a “Boo Boo”, but it was more than just a boo boo. Her brushing it off made me even more angrier. I can’t believe she would be so careless. I couldn’t believe that once again she had done something so dangerous and was not taking responsiblity for it. She said she was sorry, but it was too late. I was angry and triggered. I was triggered in such a way that the voices that I hear came down on me hard which only made me more angry. I couldn’t believe it. I was stunned and in shock. I had a hard time discerning between was this a true accident or did she did it on purpose because my partner and I told her to take care of her own affairs? I couldn’t tell and frankly I didn’t care at some point.
But instead of talking about my anger and frustrations I bottled it in. I sat brooding and stewing for a few days. Finally my partner asked about dinner and I just snapped at her. Before I knew it we were in a big fight. One of the biggest fights we have ever been in. I was angry that I took it out on my partner instead of talking to my mother. I said some horrible things to my partner. All the pent up rage and anger over our situation, all the problems that I had doing internet porn, all the problems that we have intimately, and all the daily frustrations came out. We both were at eachother’s throats. Both angry and both tired of the whole mess. I said somethings that were not fair. I said somethings that were down right mean. I said somethings that were just awful. I was mean. I was down right beside myself. My partner and I have been under a lot of strain dealing with her PTSD and Anxiety Disorder, with waiting on disability, financial problems, sexual problems, and everyday problems and now dealing with mom’s little booboo. We almost broke up. I was down right awful. When my temper flares it is down right evil. Once I start, I can’t seem to stop. I feel horrible about it. I know that sorry isn’t enough. I feel so down right now about my behavior. I should have never lashed out that way. I really have no excuse other than I was triggered in such a way that things just fly out. If I don’t get a grip on it I am going to lose the person that I really love. How do I make amends? I am going to my therapist next week and see if I can get some help from her. Because I am at a loss in trying make this situation right or at least learn from my mistakes.