Coming Up From the Blues

It has been a tough few weeks. I am relearning how to drive after almost 14 years of not being on the road. It has been a trying process as I have to relearn how to handle a car. At first, I thought I could just get behind the wheel and go, but I learned real quick that it just doesn’t work like that. It had been so long since I drove that I feel like a teenager going for their first drive.

I took my driver’s test the other day and failed miserably. I was totally floored when that happened. I felt like a complete failure. I couldn’t help but break down and cry because I knew in my heart that I tried really hard to pass the test. But alas, I didn’t pass the test. I felt like a failure in life. What is strange is that whenever I do fail at something it seems that everything that I ever failed at comes back to mind. My self esteem plummets to the floor, and I end up depressed for days at a time. Even the old emotional wounds of child abuse come back to haunt me. So dealing with disappointment and failure brings me back to the days of having to be perfect to keep from getting punished or yelled at.
As I sat in my car after failing all of those emotions came rushing in. I felt as if I was a bad person because I did not pass my driving test. I got so distraught I wanted to die.

Then I was like “where did that come from?”. I couldn’t believe that I was ready to harm myself after such a crushing blow to myself esteem. I stopped myself from sinking lower by deciding that it was only a test. Nothing more and nothing less than a test. I failed. So what? I wasn’t ready for the test and was nervous through the whole thing. I understand now that just because I failed at one thing does not mean that I am a complete failure. I decided not to let this one failure bring me down. I decided that I would make myself calm down and look at the problems I would have driving and keep practicing until I get it right. That is all I can do.

As far as wanting to hurt myself, I have decided that it wasn’t worth me harming myself over it. I found strength in knowing that I have others that love and care about me. If anything I was going to live for them…no matter how rotten I feel I am not going to let this failure rule over me. I just have to pick myself up and try again.