I took my driver’s test the other day and failed miserably. I was totally floored when that happened. I felt like a complete failure. I couldn’t help but break down and cry because I knew in my heart that I tried really hard to pass the test. But alas, I didn’t pass the test. I felt like a failure in life. What is strange is that whenever I do fail at something it seems that everything that I ever failed at comes back to mind. My self esteem plummets to the floor, and I end up depressed for days at a time. Even the old emotional wounds of child abuse come back to haunt me. So dealing with disappointment and failure brings me back to the days of having to be perfect to keep from getting punished or yelled at.
As I sat in my car after failing all of those emotions came rushing in. I felt as if I was a bad person because I did not pass my driving test. I got so distraught I wanted to die.

Then I was like “where did that come from?”. I couldn’t believe that I was ready to harm myself after such a crushing blow to myself esteem. I stopped myself from sinking lower by deciding that it was only a test. Nothing more and nothing less than a test. I failed. So what? I wasn’t ready for the test and was nervous through the whole thing. I understand now that just because I failed at one thing does not mean that I am a complete failure. I decided not to let this one failure bring me down. I decided that I would make myself calm down and look at the problems I would have driving and keep practicing until I get it right. That is all I can do.

As far as wanting to hurt myself, I have decided that it wasn’t worth me harming myself over it. I found strength in knowing that I have others that love and care about me. If anything I was going to live for them…no matter how rotten I feel I am not going to let this failure rule over me. I just have to pick myself up and try again.

The nurse finally called her on back took her blood pressure and was certain that the blood pressure cuff was defective so she tried again. My partner’s blood pressure had even dropped more. So they rushed her in a room and started an IV with fluids in it. It turns out that my partner was dehydrated from her illness. She was so dehydrated that the doctor said if she went another day without getting help she could have died. That sent me right over the edge.  I tried to be brave and act like I could handle that news, but down deep I knew I couldn’t.

While my partner was sick I took care of everything around the house. I am usually not used to such responsibility because my partner is the one that usually handles most of the day to day business of the house. I cook and clean, but that is about it. For the first time in our relationship I had to take the helm. I was nervous and scared because I did not know what all I had to do. But I accepted this role even though I was not certain where to start first. I took the responsibility of caring for the household, caring for my partner, and caring for the animals. I was stressed, but knew I could do it even if I didn’t know from time to time what I was doing.

After my partner got an IV, she felt better. I could tell that she was going to be okay. But the stress of it all triggered a manic episode. At first, I was like “Yay! A manic episode. What fun!”, but after a few days of no sleep I started to feel drained and irritable. So I had to go to my doctor and get a medication adjustment. Unfortunately, my insurance company wouldn’t pay for my new dosage without pre approval. I couldn’t believe it. The pharmacy was able to give me some medication to tide me over until the pre-approval process is done, but there are no guarantees that they will cover the cost of my prescrition’s new dose. Which means that the medicine I depend on to keep my mental illness on track and in remission will cost me over $500.00 to have filled. I am on disability. My income is so limited that I will never have that kind of money to pay for my meds. So, what does one do? I am researching on how to get medications free from the drug companies. I have to do something, because without my medication my illness will get progressively worse and I could end up in the hospital. That is one place I don’t want to be.

My partner is better now. She still has moments of weakness and is still a wee bit drowsy at times, but she is still here. I am grateful for her. I just wish that she would get her disability so she can get the medical care she needs when she needs it instead of having to worry about where the money for the doctor visit is going to come from. In the meantime, I will keep praying that there will be a time when we are not in such dire straits financially and hope that there will come a time when we don’t have to worry about the cost of medications or doctor visits.

First let me just say that this past week has been one long ride through the darkest pits of self loathing and fear. My mother is mentally ill as well as developmentally disabled. She has a hard time reading, comprehending what she reads, and writing. Usually, I and my partner are the ones that try to take care of her business for her. We try to help her write checks, balance her checkbook, and what-not. But lately with my partner going through the slings and arrows of PTSD and I dealing with constant mood changes and audio hallucinations it has been difficult dealing with my mother’s issues. So somewhere down the line my partner and I decided that because of the constant stress we were under we would no longer take her grocery shopping or handle her mail since she knows how to shop and the store is literally a few yards from my mother’s apartment. Mom agreed to try to handle things herself for a change. I thought that finally I would not have to take care of her. I thought that finally I could be free from handling every little thing that pops up in mom’s life. I thought that she could care for herself… I thought that at last I could just live my own life.

It is difficult being around my mother. She was very neglectful and abusive towards me when I was growing up. She also allowed me to be abused by her boyfriends. I have a lot of anger and resentment about that still. I also have a unique problem regarding my mother. Whenever things don’t go her way  or she is forced to do something on her own she has a “fainting” spell. She has been having these spells since I can remember. She has been taken to the doctor on each occassion only to be told that there is nothing wrong with her physically. The doctor suggested after being in the emergency room on more than five occassions that the “fainting” spells were more psychological in nature than physical. I even had one physician just plain out tell me that he believed she was faking. She always seems to come around when she recieves specail attention from an ambulance driver or doctor. But like I said, the fainting only took place when she was forced to handle something on her own or deal with something that she doesn’t want to face. It had been a few years since her last spell so I thought that maybe she was over it.

Then last week mom went to the doctor. He gave her some medications. One was a pain killer and the other was a steriod. The instructions on the pain killers were plain and simple, but the instructions on the steriods were somewhat complicated. Instead of asking the pharmacist to help her understand the scripts she went home and began to take a hand ful of pills at a time. She ended up taking 36 pills in 5 days. I didn’t know about her little medication mishap until my partner gave her a ride home and it was mentioned. When I found out I instantly got angry. I felt like mom was pulling one of her famous stunts for attention. Maybe, I am wrong, but it is hard to believe that she would take a handful of pills day after day before realizing something was wrong. My first reaction was that she did this on purpose.

That thought brought up such feelings of hostility and rage. It was like every fake out moment that she has had was coming to me all at once. I called her and told her that what she did was dangerous. She tried to brush it off like she normally does calling it a “Boo Boo”, but it was more than just a boo boo. Her brushing it off made me even more angrier. I can’t believe she would be so careless. I couldn’t believe that once again she had done something so dangerous and was not taking responsiblity for it. She said she was sorry, but it was too late. I was angry and triggered. I was triggered in such a way that the voices that I hear came down on me hard which only made me more angry. I couldn’t believe it. I was stunned and in shock. I had a hard time discerning between was this a true accident or did she did it on purpose because my partner and I told her to take care of her own affairs? I couldn’t tell and frankly I didn’t care at some point.

But instead of talking about my anger and frustrations I bottled it in. I sat brooding and stewing for a few days. Finally my partner asked about dinner and I just snapped at her. Before I knew it we were in a big fight. One of the biggest fights we have ever been in. I was angry that I took it out on my partner instead of talking to my mother. I said some horrible things to my partner. All the pent up rage and anger over our situation, all the problems that I had doing internet porn, all the problems that we have intimately, and all the daily frustrations came out. We both were at eachother’s throats. Both angry and both tired of the whole mess. I said somethings that were not fair. I said somethings that were down right mean. I said somethings that were just awful. I was mean. I was down right beside myself. My partner and I have been under a lot of strain dealing with her PTSD and Anxiety Disorder, with waiting on disability, financial problems, sexual problems, and everyday problems and now dealing with mom’s little booboo. We almost broke up. I was down right awful. When my temper flares it is down right evil. Once I start, I can’t seem to stop. I feel horrible about it. I know that sorry isn’t enough. I feel so down right now about my behavior. I should have never lashed out that way. I really have no excuse other than I was triggered in such a way that things just fly out. If I don’t get a grip on it I am going to lose the person that I really love. How do I make amends? I am going to my therapist next week and see if I can get some help from her. Because I am at a  loss in trying make this situation right or at least learn from my mistakes.

I really don’t have much to say today. Life is going pretty well…nothing to complain about…nothing to brag about. I really wish there was something that I could do everyday that will keep me busy during the day instead of staying home and doing nothing. I could go back to school, but my life partner wants me to wait until we get an answer about her disability case. It seems that everything has been put on hold while we wait for her disability claim to go through. So far, we have been waiting about two years on an answer. In the meantime, we are in financial crisis. If it was not for her family and my mother we would not make it financially.

Depending on other folks for financial help really gets under my skin. I hate it. I get disability. 100% of my benefits go into caring for the home. I don’t mind contributing so much since we are partners in love and life, but my meager benefit check only puts a slight dent in our financial troubles. Since my disability is not enough to cover every bill, we have we have to almost beg family memebers to help. This has put a real strain on our relationship and our finances. We don’t know from month to month if we are going to make it, and we have to watch every penny. There are times when we don’t have enough and we have to ask for even more help, which adds to the stress of an already stressful situation. It will be another year before we get an answer from social security. In the meantime, I will try to be as supportive as I can be towards my life partner and keep on hoping for a better day when we are financially secure.

Today was a weird day for me. I can’t say that it was a good day or a bad day. I have been in a energetic mood all day which I am afraid that this is the beginning of a manic high. Don’t get me wrong…I love my manic days. On manic days I am creative and able to do tons of stuff I wouldn’t normally do when I am down. The thing is that my mania can sometimes swing out of control. That is when I get in trouble…or at least tick a few people off. I tend to stay manic for only brief blips while I am on medication, but there was a time when I would be manic for days and days at a time. Now it seems these sparks of energy only come once in a great while usually when one or more of medications stops being effective. I hope that is not the case tonight. I hope that this is just a short trip down mania lane before everything gets out of control and I am off doing things I have no business doing.

Anyway, besides feeling manic I am also a little frustrated. I am on disability. I don’t mind that so much, but there are times when I wished I had something to do that would take up all this time I spend at home. I can only clean house so much before I get bored of that. I want something meaningful in my life. I want something that helps me feel like I accomplished something. I am thinking about returning to college, but I don’t think I have the full support of my life partner.

I love my life partner, and I agree with almost everything she said to me about attending college. She pointed out how stressful it would be, how expensive it would be, and how since I am relearning to drive transportation would be a nightmare. Not to mention, that the college I want to attend is a two year technical school whose college credits don’t transfer well to other university. She feels I would be wasting my time. I tried to tell her how important it was to me to finish college, but she would not listen. She told me to do some research and then come to her and talk about a final decision. I honestly felt like she had stomped on my dreams and flattened them.

Of course, she is right about the stress. When I attended college it became so stressful that I dropped a whole bunch of classes because I couldn’t handle it all. I lost all financial aid because of that, but now I regret that move of dropping classes and wish to pull myself together and complete the degree I was aiming for. I was a fool to let stress stand in the way of my dreams. Well you live and learn.

Anyway, tonight I am feeling energetic. I need to get of the computer and expend some of this energy for other projects….

Peace, love, and light.

Did I mention that my life-partner also has PTSD. Oh yeah buddy! Her PTSD came from a lightning strike and electrical explosion on her job that happened over two years ago. I am an old hand in dealing with PTSD, but she is somewhat of a newbie. It is hard for both of us to deal with the after effects of the lightning strike and explosion. I have my problems. She has her problems. Combine my problems with her problems and you get (pardon the expression) one explosive situation.

I sometimes feel alone in dealing with my PTSD. I sometimes feel like no one else really understands what it is like to have both PTSD and Bipolar Disorder. Sometimes it is a living hell. I am not going to lie. Through therapy I have learned to cope with some of my symptoms of both the PTSD and Bipolar Disorder, but it has not been easy. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone…not even my worst enemy.

My illnesses prevent me from maintaining employment. It isn’t that I don’t want to work. I do. I just can’t seem to stay symptom free long enough to maintain or keep gainful employment. SO, I spend my days doing chores, caring for the animals (my two dogs) and try to care for my life partner who struggles with anxiety issues and PTSD herself.

I admit I feel alone in all of this. Maybe it was just me, but I feel as if a bomb has went off in my life and I am left with only pieces of my former life. The past two years has been hell. Waiting for my partner to get her disability is a hellish nightmare. Not knowing from month to month how we are going to make it financially is absolutely torture. I think dealing with the government system of disability is a hellish existence that leaves one to wonder is the disability system causing even more harm than good. I am not sure what that answer is.

Anyway, I don’t want to sound like I am whining. It has been tough…bottom line. There times when I just wish I could close my eyes and be cured of the PTSD and the Bipolar Disorder and that my life could be somewhat “normal”, but alas, that is only a dream. I accept that I have those illnesses. I accept that my life has been altered do past traumas. I accept that the person that I love has issues involving PTSD, but I will NOT accept the effect of PTSD has on my relationship. For the past two years have not been easy on either one of us, but especially me. I have a hard enough time coping with my issues without having to cope with someone else’s issues too. I know that is what love is. I do love my partner. I do want to be there for her when she needs me. I do what is necessary to keep our household going, but there are times when I wished she was the same person she used to be. Now, she is frightened and startled easy. Emotionally she is a wreck. It is wearing my nerves (which weren’t much in the first place) thin and the truth is I feel awful for feeling that way towards her. A large part of me understands the fear and rage that goes with PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but there is another part that is angry that such a life alterning event (believe it or not, but being in a lightning strike is a life altering event) had to happen to us in our life.

I have communicated my feelings to my partner, but she is so sensitive that she takes them personally. SO, I just remain quiet about it until a major blow up happens between me and her. Since her accident our fighting has gotten worse ten fold. I feel terrible about fighting with her, but at the same time with so much going on it is kind of hard to just “grin and bare it”.

Is there anyone else out there dealing with PTSD in themselves and their husband/wife/lover/friend? I need to know. I feel alone. I hoping this blog will generate some answers to my questions.